November 9

“The way it looks is something else. Like each of my flaws had been blanketed in pink highlights, put on display for the entire world to see. No matter how hard I try to hide them with my hair and clothes, they’re there. They’ll always be there. A permanent reminder of the night that destroyed all the best parts of me.”

Fallon describes her burn scars for the first time in this chapter. The scars have changed her life in several ways, including causing her to lose a starring role on television, look at her own body differently, and struggle in her relationship with her father.

“What the hell am I doing?

She’s moving to New York. It’s dinner. That’s it.

But seriously, what the hell am I doing? I shouldn’t be doing this.”

Ben questions himself as he prepares for dinner with Fallon not long after their first meeting. At first, it appears Ben is understandably nervous for a first date. He has a brief conversation with his older brother Kyle and rushes back to Fallon’s side, making it clear that his commitment to dinner is strong despite his doubt. In hindsight, Ben’s thoughts foreshadow his truth. He isn’t just nervous about potentially dating Fallon—he fears being near Fallon as he was the one who set the fire that scarred her.

“My mother says the majority of people have their lives figured out by the age of twenty-three, so I want to make sure I know who I am and what I want out of life before I allow myself to fall in love. Because it’s easy to fall in love, Ben. The hard part comes when you want out.”

Fallon shows maturity in her decision to move to New York for the sake of advancing her career. However, this decision puts a wrench in her potential relationship with Ben. The pair discuss love, and Fallon again shows maturity by telling Ben her mother’s wisdom of waiting until one is 23 before committing to a relationship. The wisdom behind this is the fact that Fallon’s parents married young and divorced at 23. As a result, Fallon and Ben agree to a social experiment in which they only see each other once a year until they both turn 23.

“She’s different. Her hair is shorter. She has bangs. She’s wearing a short-sleeved shirt, which is something she admitted to never doing before last year.”

Upon seeing Fallon a year after their first meeting, Ben notes several differences related to her scars. When Ben first met Fallon, she was conscious of her scars, attempting to hide them with her hair and clothing. However, Fallon has gained some confidence since then. This change in attitude is something she subscribes to Ben.

“I’m so confused by what just happened. Kyle is standing between Ben and me, looking back and forth between us. Just when it looks as if he’s about to turn and walk away, he spins around and decks Ben right in the eye, slamming him into the wall behind him.”

During her second meeting with Ben, Fallon witnesses Kyle, Ben’s older brother, hit the younger. Fallon initially reads this moment as brotherly tension, especially with Kyle getting married soon. However, this moment sticks with Fallon, and it eventually leads to her reading Ben’s manuscript to learn Kyle’s motive. This quote also shows Kyle’s conflicting emotions as he looks from Ben to Fallon. It seems Fallon has something to do with Kyle’s anger, but the truth will not be revealed until the end of the novel.

“What’s happening inside my heart right now is way too consequential to deny. I think I’ve been misjudging the whole concept of insta-love. Now if I can just figure out how we can finish these next few years with a happy ending.”

During their second meeting, Fallon begins to reconsider her and Ben’s arrangement. Fallon’s feelings for Ben are intense, but at this point, she does not know if Ben’s are the same as hers. However, it is later revealed that Ben knew he was in love with Fallon during their second meeting. This quote not only foreshadows the pair’s growing relationship, but it also explores the romantic trope of a fake relationship becoming real.

“I hadn’t thought of that, but as soon as he brings it up, I think about Jordyn last year and the frenzy she was in as she prepared for her impending wedding with Kyle. And now, just one year later, she’s having to prepare for his impending funeral.”

Ben calls Fallon on the day of their scheduled third meeting to let her know his older brother Kyle died and he wouldn’t be coming—so Fallon goes to him instead. Fallon realizes the heaviness of the situation upon reflecting on Kyle’s wife, Jordyn—who has been widowed mere days before her first wedding anniversary. This is the first time grief enters the plot, but it will be revisited when Fallon reads Ben’s manuscript and learns his mother died on the same November 9th that left her scarred. This moment also opens the door to Jordyn becoming a more significant part of Ben’s life.

“Of course I don’t want to think about her with anyone else, but that’s the whole point of meeting her every year. I want to make sure she’s experiencing life like every girl her age should, and that means experiencing different people. But every night I close my eyes, I selfishly pray that she’s sleeping in her bed alone.”

Ben experiences a moment of jealousy when he thinks about the life Fallon lives when she is not with him. His attitude is mature (albeit unusual for a supposed stranger) in the fact that he encourages her to date other people. At this point, it appears he genuinely cares for her as a stranger who suddenly appeared in her life. However, this attitude takes on a new meaning when it is revealed that Ben is the one who started the fire that left Fallon scarred and insecure. This knowledge changes the implication of this quote by suggesting that Ben was concerned with both fixing his mistake and ensuring Fallon’s happiness.

“I can’t recall a single time, even before the fire, when I’ve felt this beautiful. He’s soaking me up like it’s a privilege rather than a favor. And when he leans forward and takes my face in his hands, I part my lips and wait for his kiss because I’ve never wanted it like I want it right now.”

A significant part of Fallon’s character is her relationship with her scars. Her scars are an inevitable part of everything she does. However, in this moment, the scars are not the most prominent thing on her mind. This illustrates the confidence Ben instills in Fallon by treating her with empathy. It also shows how much Fallon has grown as a person.

“Just having him in my life one day a year has had such a positive effect on me, I’d hate myself if I did the exact opposite for him.”

Fallon acknowledges the impact Ben has had on her life and realizes she can influence his chance to pursue his writing career and care for his sister-in-law Jordyn. Her decision alters the course of their relationship, but it also explores the romantic trope of swearing off relationships as she makes a clear choice to stick to their original arrangement (rather than approve of Ben moving to New York to be with her). This decision is selfless, showing that she has matured from the girl who imagined hitting her father over the head with a glass.

“But she hates insta-love. Apparently she hates semi-instant love and slow love and love at a snail’s pace and love in general and … ‘Fuck!’

I curse at the empty street, because for once, I get exactly what I deserve.”

Ben reacts emotionally to Fallon rejecting his offer to move to New York with her. She tries to explain her motive, but Ben is already so heartbroken from Kyle’s death that he cannot process her perspective. This moment shows the intensity with which he tends to respond to trauma and foreshadows his truth—that he was responsible for the fire that scarred Fallon. In this quote, he seems to be talking about his desire to progress his relationship with Fallon, but it becomes clear that he believes he never deserved her in the first place because of what he did.

“But as Ben and I can both probably attest, a lot can change in a year, so I’m terrified he may have changed his mind. He may not even want to be with me like he did last year. He may still be so pissed at me, he doesn’t even show up.”

Another year has passed, and Fallon has made significant changes in her life, including moving back to Los Angeles. This quote captures the seconds before Ben shows up to his and Fallon’s fourth meeting—and Fallon’s realization that he and Jordyn are now a couple. Fallon’s affection for Ben and hope that he wants to make their relationship official dissipate once he arrives with his nephew Oliver. This is the first major conflict in Fallon and Ben’s relationship.

“He’s more nervous than he should be, but we did leave things off in an awkward place last year. I worry that it isn’t nerves plaguing him, but maybe a little bit of bitterness. I know I hurt him last year, but surely he’s had time to understand why I did what I did.”

In this quote, Ben acts awkwardly with Fallon, refusing to touch her in a romantic manner. Fallon can only see what is right in front of her, touching on the theme of Knowledge Alters Perception. She only knows that Ben was hurt when she left the previous year, and it is something she regrets despite believing her decision was the right one. However, Ben decided Fallon no longer wanted to be with him, so he moved on to Jordyn.

“I was going to tell her, and soon, but I wanted to ease into it. Not that I expected her to be heartbroken over the fact that I’m dating Jordyn. In fact, I thought the chances of her being happy for me were greater than the chances of her being upset by it. I never expected this reaction from her.”

Ben accidentally reveals to Fallon that he’s dating Jordyn, and she responds with hurt and jealousy. He is surprised by Fallon’s reaction, proving that he did not process her reason for “rejecting” him and truly believed she left because she did not care about him. Following his pattern of reacting emotionally to trauma, Ben turned to Jordyn, his older brother’s widow, and began a relationship with her. This was foreshadowed by Ben’s closeness to Jordyn, their grief after Kyle’s death, and Fallon’s understanding that Jordyn would need to lean on Ben in the coming days. Fallon’s reaction is somewhat hypocritical, as she and Ben agreed to see other people during their experiment; the same applies to Ben’s hurt over Fallon’s decision to stick to their original agreement. This hypocrisy was also present in Ben’s jealousy at the idea of Fallon being intimate with other men. Despite their mutual agreement, it is clear that the pair’s affection goes deeper than the parameters of the agreement.

“He actually showed up? Even after I told him last year I wasn’t coming? His words are doing too many things to me right now, and it feels all wrong since I’m sidled up next to a guy I wish would stop touching me.”

This quote takes place during the fifth year of Fallon and Ben’s arrangement. The previous year, Fallon learned Ben was in a relationship with Jordyn and told him she wouldn’t meet with him again—but this quote reveals that he showed up to their usual meeting anyway. This shows Ben’s commitment to Fallon, despite his bouts of immaturity. It also foreshadows a future moment in which he waits for Fallon for hours, despite the unlikelihood of her arrival. Although Ben is prone to rash decisions, he is clearly determined to make his relationship with Fallon work.

“We both close our eyes, and I know that when I wake up next to her tomorrow morning, I’m going to make it my mission to forgive myself for all the times I withheld the truth from her in the past.”

Ben admits to having secrets, a romantic trope in itself, but neither Fallon nor reader knows what they are at this point. However, this quote foreshadows the moment Fallon discovers Ben’s secrets. Whether or not the pair will be able to move past the truth makes up the rest of the novel.

“I want to know why Kyle punched him in the hallway during our second year together. It had nothing to do with me, so that should be a safe enough scene to read without feeling too guilty about it afterward.”

Fallon finds Ben’s manuscript based on their relationship and sneaks it into the kitchen to read. She decides to restrict herself to a single scene to get a feel for Ben’s writing, choosing one she believes does not involve her at all. Regardless, this action is an invasion of Ben’s privacy, especially after he explicitly forbid her from reading his work until the end of their experiment. The novel also foreshadowed Fallon’s indirect involvement in Kyle hitting Ben, as he looked at her before he did so. This is the moment in which the manuscript becomes a symbol of betrayal to Fallon.

“Kyle looks away, running his hands down his face in frustration. When he turns around again, I’m not prepared for what happens. He pushes me, hard, and I slam into the wall behind me. His hands are pressed against my shoulders and he’s pinning me against the wall. ‘Does she know, Ben? Does she have any idea that you’re the one who started that fire? That you’re the reason she almost died?’”

The novel finally reveals that Ben was involved in the fire that scarred Fallon. There is anger, fear, and frustration in Kyle’s physicality, as he knew Ben was at risk of being found out by reaching out to Fallon. Kyle was clearly concerned for Ben, but also himself, as he helped him get away with arson. Furthermore, Fallon is a physical reminder of the day their mother died, a painful reminder that Kyle likely wanted to avoid so close to his wedding.

“It took four years for me to fall in love with him.

It only took four pages to stop.”

There is a parallel between the way Ben responded to Fallon rejecting his offer to move to New York and the way Fallon escapes his apartment after reading a few pages of his manuscript. Fallon is upset by what she read and the fact that Ben does not deny starting the fire that left her scarred. She is shaken by her new perspective on the fire, touching on the theme of knowledge altering perception. However, she does not have the full story at this point.

“But then I look at her lap and realize that everything is wrong. She’s reading the manuscript.

Ben’s manuscript.

Our story.

Since when did she start invading privacy?”

Fallon finds her mother reading Ben’s manuscript after he had it delivered to her. In a moment of hypocrisy, Fallon is angry with her mother for invading her privacy when just a year ago, she invaded Ben’s privacy by reading his manuscript without permission. This aside, Fallon’s mother cries and is clearly touched by the manuscript, again foreshadowing Ben’s full story.

“‘I’m not going to pretend that I know what you’ve gone through. But after reading those pages, I can assure you that you aren’t the only one who was scarred in that fire. Just because he chose not to show you his scars doesn’t mean they don’t exist.’ She picks up the box and sets it in my lap. ‘Here they are. He’s put his scars on full display for you, and you need to show him the respect he showed you by not turning away from them.’”

Fallon’s mother only appears in the novel once, but hers is a powerful presence. She reads Ben’s manuscript and understands the explanation he attempted to give Fallon a year ago. Her words highlight the theme of The Impact of Physical and Emotional Scars. The reader is well aware of Fallon’s scars and their impact on her life, but not Ben’s emotional scars because he has been careful to conceal them. Fallon’s mother recognizes the manuscript as a symbol of his scars and the truth behind the fire. It is Fallon’s turn to learn the truth if she so chooses.

“‘That’s what love is, Ben. Love is sacrifice.’ She tapped her finger against the tattoo on her left wrist—the tattoo that had been there since before I was born. ‘I got this tattoo the day I felt that kind of love for your father. And I chose it because if I had to describe love that day, I would say it felt like my two favorite things, amplified and throw together. Like my favorite poetic line mixed into the lyrics of my favorite song.’ She looked at me again, very serious. ‘You’ll know, Ben. When you’re willing to give up the things that mean the most to you just to see someone else happy, that’s real love.’”

Ben’s mother once told him about the tattoo on her wrist (the word “poetic” written within a music staff), framing it as a symbol of falling in love. This moment repeats itself during the second year of Ben and Fallon’s arrangement, with the former getting the same tattoo as his mother to mark his having fallen in love. Ben’s mother’s claim that love means “willing to give up the things that mean the most to you” has a double meaning: Ben puts himself in danger by falling in love with Fallon, as he risks getting into legal trouble and losing her love should she learn the truth about the fire. Earlier in the novel, Ben made it clear he was willing to sell his mother’s house (his last connection to his deceased mother and brother) to move to New York to be with Fallon. While his decision to get a tattoo might have appeared spontaneous at the time, it is clear that he contemplated the process and selling the house for a long time.

“Until I read Ben’s words, I never knew how much I blamed my father for what happened to me. For so long, I’ve hated him. I made it difficult for him to grieve with me over what happened. I found fault in everything he said. Every conversation we had turned into a fight.”

Further highlighting the theme of knowledge altering perception, Fallon begins to see the fire through Ben and her father Donovan’s eyes. She’d been angry with her father long before the first chapter, and even cut ties with him for a year because of his lack of support. However, she slowly realizes that blaming him for her scars isn’t entirely fair. Now that Fallon understands why Donovan acted the way he did, she extends a hand to him in compassion. This quote suggests a change in Fallon and Donovan’s relationship as a result of Ben’s manuscript, making it a symbol of forgiveness for Donovan as well.