Men Have Called Her Crazy

The final chapters of Men Have Called Her Crazy further develop The Impact of Gender Dynamics on Personal Identity, as Tendler recounts her experience with freezing her eggs after her divorce. Tendler’s meditations on motherhood are informed by her experience with her mother and her perception of the inequalities of childrearing in heteronormative relationships. Tendler never thought that motherhood was optional until her twenties, and when she realized having children was not mandatory, she began to have a reluctance toward it. She writes:

My reservations about motherhood have been shaped by my feelings about men, their general incompetence, their propensity toward selfishness, and their inability to empathize with the female experience. My obsession with equality in relationships restricts me from balancing the weight of what men put into child-rearing versus what women do (248).

Tendler’s refusal to romanticize motherhood emphasizes a larger feminist critique of traditional gender roles, where women overwhelmingly bear the brunt of the emotional and practical aspects of childrearing. Tendler does not believe that parenthood can be equal among mothers and fathers, as she finds that the qualities frequent in men are not conducive to equitable and fair sharing of familial duties. Like the financial inequality in her relationship with Theo and the emotional and ideological inequalities in her relationships with Sam and Reece, Tendler worries that any relationship in which she had a child would be incredibly unequal, leading to resentment and suffering. This reflection demonstrates her increased ability to refuse to settle for relationships that perpetuate inequality or cause her further emotional harm. 

Tendler also explores the societal expectations associated with motherhood. She worries that if she is the only one of her friends to not have children, she will feel left out of her friends’ lives. However, she also acknowledges that her friends with children may also feel this way, noting, “I know mothers feel excluded from life too. I guess that’s the paradox of being a woman: no matter what path you choose, chances are you’ll feel invisible” (249). This observation reveals the societal pressure on women to conform to traditional roles. Regardless of their choice regarding motherhood, society makes women feel unseen and left out of certain opportunities because, as Tendler illustrates, society is built upon a patriarchal foundation that favors men and their desires. In acknowledging this paradox, Tendler deepens her critique of gendered societal expectations, particularly the way women are made to feel inadequate.

This patriarchal foundation also impacts The Process of Healing and Self-Discovery, as when she reads the medical notes from her time in inpatient. While reading them, she finds evidence of implicit misogyny in her male providers, specifically when Dr. Samuels blames her relationship with her mother for her aversion to men. She reflects on this, writing, “What I see here is deflection and denial of the ways men have impacted my psyche. What I see here is that my rejection of and rage toward the patriarchal structures that govern nearly every aspect of life couldn’t possibly be my authentic reality” (290). Tendler feels that the way society is structured is inherently patriarchal, and her rejection of this is an inherent part of her understanding of herself. She realizes that her anger is not only justified but also necessary for her self-empowerment. When men try to tell her that the world isn’t as she experiences it, it causes her anger. This anger mirrors her own mother’s but is not caused by her mother, as Dr. Samuels suggests. Rather, her anger toward men and societal expectations is rooted in a critique of a patriarchal system that limits her—and other women’s—autonomy.

Despite this rage and rejection, by the end of the memoir, Tendler is in a better emotional and mental state. Even when her beloved dog Petunia dies, she thinks, “I am crushed. I am lonely. But I am okay. I am okay” (284). She is devastated by the loss of Petunia, but the grief does not destroy nor encourage her to return to the self-destructive behavior in which she previously engaged. Previously, she said Petunia was her only motivation for living, but Tendler’s growth has given her the strength to continue. In a metatextual reference to the act of writing the memoir, Tendler references her ability to finish the text as evidence of her ability to finish something meaningful. She emphasizes her ability to make art even out of the most difficult parts of her life, writing, “I chose the path of writing this book, I stayed the course, I did not turn left, and that’s something. Maybe more than something. Maybe it’s a victory” (294). She triumphs over her fears that her life has no trajectory and that she will never accomplish her goals because of her Mental Health and Societal Expectations. She finds joy in life where she can, ending the text with a scene of herself looking at the Cuban oregano plants from Dalby House, a reminder of the work she’s done and will continue to do for herself.