Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

In Part 2, Dr. Nagoski wants readers to confront context. The Mythology of Sex that many women carry into their partnerships provides false notions of what is happening in the bedroom. This mythology is centered on patriarchal values that place male desire in a higher category than female desire. The story of Laurie in this section shows how myths about what her body should be doing for her partner infiltrated how she felt about sex. Laurie was experiencing stress, and this was hitting her sexual brakes. Only when she cried could she release the brakes and focus on being with her partner. She felt frustrated with herself for crying during what she felt should be a joyous experience.

Rather than consuming narratives about what their bodies should be doing, Dr. Nagoski wants her readers to understand the physiological responses of their bodies to attachment and stress. Many students are taught about the “fight” or “flight” responses to stress: These responses are seen everywhere in nature. When someone scares their friend by jumping up behind them, they quickly learn which type of stress response their friend is more likely to utilize. Dr. Nagoski suggests that there is a third response—freeze—and this is a physiological response to stress. The body shuts down when external or internal stressors are at play.

In many cases, this means that arousal and desire seem inaccessible. This is because a stressed mind and body have the potential to interpret all stimuli as threats, even those that would ordinarily be interpreted as positive. Others may experience an opposite reaction: Dr. Nagoski offers the case of Olivia, who, when stressed, engaged in compulsive sexual behavior. Both sides of the spectrum indicate that a stress response is occurring.

The mythology of sex has a different message. It tells women that there is something wrong with them, that their bodies are not doing what they should be doing. However, Dr. Nagoski advocates that when it comes to the human body, there is no such thing as “should.” Sex is connected to many physiological, behavioral, and emotional processes. It is easily influenced by these processes and aligned with stress response. This section reveals how even sexual mythology can contribute to the stress-response cycle. Girls are taught to prioritize the ideal marriage that ignores what happens after walking down the aisle or in the bedroom. Anything that feels less than happily-ever-after may trigger stress, because the myth tells the brain that something is wrong.

The three messages described in Chapter 5 categorize the myths about what it means to be a woman and how women should think about their own bodies and sexual selves. All three messages sell lies about “should.” Messages that simultaneously suggest that women should be pure or virginal, always ready to respond to advances from their partners, and sexually promiscuous send mixed signals about what it means to be a normal woman. Romantic novels and movies perpetuate these ideas: A woman is expected to be virginal and uninterested in sex until she meets the right person—usually a man. Even then, the woman should mistrust her budding desire and arousal. It is only through her purity that the woman can win over the man. These narratives are common in classic literature, such as Jane Eyre—but they are just as prevalent in contemporary romantic tales.

One of the major themes of Dr. Nagoski's book—You Are Normal—emphasizes that all experiences, and all stress responses, are a normal part of the human condition. The messages described in Chapter 5 have something to say about “should,” but Dr. Nagoski argues that “should” has no place in the equation. For Laurie, crying was a natural response to stress. Her frustration over her inability to respond in the way she wanted only amplified her emotional reaction.

To combat the issue of stress response is to “gently remove our foot from both the accelerator and the brakes and allow ourselves to coast to a stop” (119). This means giving the stress-response cycle the opportunity to conclude, to stop making it about what the body should be doing and, instead, allow it to do what it needs to. This idea contributes to the theme of Reframing Personal Sexual Experience. Rather than casting a judgmental eye toward what is happening (or not happening) sexually between Laurie and her partner, Dr. Nagoski recommended putting a stop to sex altogether. It was clear that Laurie was in a stress-response cycle. The only way for her to be released from that cycle was to allow her to do what she naturally needed to do. By taking sex off the table, Laurie was able to focus on addressing her stress.