All My Rage

“‘Your fiancé is a restless soul.’ She stroked the lines on my hands and poked at the calluses. ‘You will travel across the sea.’ ‘My fiancé is the only son. He will not desert his parents.’ ‘Nonetheless, you will leave Pakistan,’ she said. ‘You will have your children far from here. Three.’ ‘Three!’ ‘A boy. A girl. And a third that is not she, nor he, nor of the third gender. You will fail them all.’”

The fortune teller’s prediction to Misbah foreshadows future events. Even though Tahir reveals the present and past in tandem, she manages to gradually reveal how the fortune teller’s prediction comes true. Misbah and Toufiq leave Pakistan after the death of Toufiq’s parents, and Misbah has one biological child—Salahudin. The other children referred to in the prophecy are Noor, who is like a daughter to Misbah, and the motel, which she loves like a third child. 

“If we are lost, God is like water, finding the unknowable path when we cannot.”

Misbah imparts these words to Noor shortly before her death, and they echo in Noor’s mind often throughout the novel. Despite her pain and rage, Noor thinks of Ama’s words in moments of hope, like when she receives an A on her poetry essay. She also repeats the words to Salahudin in the courtroom directly after he gives the honest testimony that clears Noor of all charges. She wants Salahudin to have hope as well—for a future and for reconciliation.

“I’ll survive this. I’ll live. But there’s a hole in me, never to be filled. Maybe that’s why people die of old age. Maybe we could live forever if we didn’t love so completely. But we do. And by the time old age comes, we’re filled with holes, so many that it’s too hard to breathe. So many that our insides aren’t even ours anymore. We’re just on big empty space, waiting to be filled by the darkness, waiting to be free.”

After Ama’s funeral, Salahudin reflects on the depth of grief he feels at the loss of his mother. Tahir provides a beautiful description of his sorrow, using the imagery of a hole to represent the pain of losing a loved one. Tahir’s choice to write this description from Salahudin’s point of view also reinforces his character trait of being a writer.

“I can’t lose this place. Not after losing her. In the end, I didn’t make Ama rest or drag her to dialysis. I didn’t do shit to save her. I failed her. But I can save the Clouds’ Rest. I can make sure the blood, sweat, and tears she put into this place weren’t for nothing.”

This quote connects to the theme of The Cost of the American Dream. Salahudin’s guilt over failing Ama in multiple ways makes him think honoring her dream will be a way of making things right. However, his desperation to uphold his mother’s American dream leads him down a destructive path of deception.

“This feeling comes over me, like I want to erupt from my own skin. Breathe. Five seconds in, seven seconds out. It doesn’t help and I hate myself so much. I make no sense. My body makes no sense.”

Since childhood, Salahudin has used this breathing exercise to calm himself when triggered, especially when bothered by physical touch. Salahudin does not understand why he reacts to touch differently from other people, yet throughout the novel, he realizes that trauma from his past is causing his physical response. This is an example of Tahir’s use of foreshadowing that something happened to Sal in the past that he cannot remember. As much as Salahudin wants to understand what made him this way, he ultimately decides to stay ignorant about being assaulted as a child, realizing that Ama was right to keep it from him.

“Since the day I stepped into an American school, I have never stopped paying attention. I have never stopped doing my best. But fear eats at me. A terror in my gut that it doesn’t matter how well I do. I’ll never escape Juniper.”

Noor lives with this fear that she won’t be able to escape from her uncle or have the opportunity to chase her own dreams. Fear also holds Noor back from telling the truth about Chachu’s abuse. Tahir demonstrates that fear can be paralyzing, even for someone as hardworking, intelligent, and capable as Noor.

“I need music. Something to bring me back. Karen O screaming out in her cover of “Immigrant Song.” The melody winds through my head. I can’t breathe. I try to whisper the lyrics. It’s not enough.”

Noor panics when called on to read in English class, and her first thought is of music, which usually helps to ground and calm her. The song title mentioned reflects Noor’s position as an immigrant, working hard in school to give herself a bright future. Tahir’s use of the music motif here shows how Noor turns to music when she feels lost or scared and how Tahir cites specific song titles to fit with plot events.

“What’s the word for when someone drinks so much, they are ruining your best friend’s life? Or the word for a man so vengeful about his own past that he wants to destroy your future? What’s the word for a woman who was sick for months, but refused to go to the doctor until it was too late? The word for the girl at school whose personal mission is to mess with your head? Anger’s not the right word. Rage. That’s what this feeling is, eating me up.”

Noor identifies the feeling building up inside of her as rage. From this point on in the novel, Noor mentions her rage regularly, either as she bottles it up and represses it, or chooses to release it. Noor’s thoughts introduce the motif of Rage and Its Function and show the way this emotion becomes a part of Noor’s everyday reality.

“School sucked. Kids can be shitty. Salahudin was the only one who never made fun of me. Of course everyone else did. My accent. My clothes. My hair, which stuck out everywhere. I didn’t understand why they were so mean. But now I get it. It’s a tired old tale. I looked different. Talked different. It was easier to gang up on me than find flaws in themselves.”

Noor reflects on her early days in school after emigrating from Pakistan. Her friendship with Salahudin was forged when others treated her like an outcast. Noor’s memory is a testimony to the special bond Noor and Salahudin share and relates to the theme of Friendship and Honesty as a Means of Growth. Becoming friends with Salahudin helped Noor adjust to life in America and contributed to her growth into the person she is now.

“If Ama could see me now, she’d be sick at the sight of me. When I was little, she’d ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. What about writing, Putar? Take all these stories and put them in a book. She expected so much more of me than what I’ve become. And Noor. If Noor knew, she’d never speak to me again.”

Salahudin feels guilty when he thinks of what Ama and Noor would say if they knew he was selling drugs and had a part in Ashlee’s overdose. Tahir creates irony in that Salahudin is dealing drugs to honor Ama’s dream by saving the motel, yet he knows she would be ashamed of him for this method of making money. This irony shows that grief and guilt can blind a person to logic. Salahudin wants to vindicate himself for the ways he feels he failed Ama, and he thinks saving the motel—her American dream—is the only way to do this.

“Mrs. McCann keeps shaking her head. It seems crazy that she would deny what’s right in front of her. But then I think of how Ama would react if I overdosed. Of what she did when faced with Abu’s alcoholism. I think of the way denial can weave its way through a family, whisper gentle lies, and make itself at home.” 

Salahudin identifies the struggle of accepting tough truths about the people one loves. His ability to see what Mrs. McCann is going through and understand it through the lens of his own mother’s experience shows his maturity; instead of passing judgment, he personalizes the situation. Furthermore, Salahudin’s personification of denial contributes to his character quality of being a writer. 

“I could be angry at him. Tell him he waited too long to stop drinking. That Ama and I deserved better. Right now, it might actually sink in. But I think of Shafiq. This life is jihad—struggle. Sometimes the struggle is more than a person can bear. ‘I’m proud of you, Abu. I know it’s not easy.’”

Salahudin is tempted to be angry with Abu for only now making an effort toward sobriety. However, he chooses love and understanding instead of judgment, acknowledging the many struggles—some known and some unknown to Salahudin—that his father has faced. Tahir highlights Salahudin’s maturity as he chooses to encourage his father rather than blame him.

“In America, on some days the dream feels so close you can taste it. And children, my putar? Children are the greatest dream of all. A dream manifest—walking, talking, venturing into the wide world Open to success and joy and greatness. Open to wild, spectacular possibility. But open to destruction, also.”

Misbah’s reflection on the American dream includes both her business and her child, suggesting that her American dream involves creating opportunities for her son. Her final comment in the quote regarding destruction provides foreshadowing of Salahudin’s assault and creates a sense of dread as the chapter ends. This quote corresponds with the theme of The Cost of the American Dream.

“‘Eid?’ He swings his head up at mention of the religious holiday. I used to change into Eid clothes at Salahudin’s house. Auntie Misbah would call in sick for me—no one at any of my schools ever questioned it.”

Tahir emphasizes Chachu’s hatred of Islam and religion in general as one of his core character traits. Noor must hide her celebration of religious holidays to avoid provoking his wrath, and Misbah often provided ways for Noor to connect with her faith and Pakistani culture. Tahir shows that keeping Noor from her religion and culture was a means for Chachu to control Noor; however, she also shows that he was unsuccessful in this request. Noor feared Chachu but did not let her fear keep her from the things that were important to her.

“Yes, Chachu saved me. He took me to the hospital. He didn’t leave me. He ranted about how he couldn’t take care of me. How he was in the middle of school and he didn’t have the time. Eventually, the doctors ordered him to sit outside until he could calm down. It is my first clear memory of him. He called relative after relative. But everyone was dead. As if his family had never existed. He cried. Mourned. Then he raged. Screamed. Shouted at God.”

Noor adds to the repeated narrative of Chachu saving her by explaining that he didn’t want to save her. Learning that he mourned Noor’s survival and his responsibility as her uncle changes the reader’s view of Chachu and solidifies his selfish, controlling nature. He saved Noor purely out of obligation, not love, and has made her pay for his sacrifice ever since.

“Veil Meadows is the opposite of Juniper. It’s this perfect, silent emerald in the Sierra Nevada. The grass is tall and soft, cut through with dozens of thick-banked streams that are a deep, video game blue.”

The lush, green beauty of Veil Meadows lies in stark contrast to the harsh, dry environment of Juniper. It seems fitting that the change of scenery should also lead to a deepening in Noor and Salahudin’s relationship. The natural beauty in Veil Meadows reflects the oasis of Noor and Salahudin’s friendship amid their turbulent life circumstances.

“People always see the wrong things. Jamie looked at me and saw a cheater. Ortiz looks at Salahudin and sees an abuser. But they’ll look at Jamie and see a popular girl instead of a racist asshole. They’ll look at Riaz and see a savior who took in his orphaned niece instead of a monster.”

Noor is misjudged by others and points out the irony of how people often see the surface without understanding the person underneath. Through the contrast between outward appearances and one’s true character, Tahir invites the reader to look beyond people’s accomplishments and understand their life stories and the circumstances that contributed to who they are.

“There are social issues, too, Mrs. Malik. He doesn’t fit in. He gets upset if the other children touch him. Is he—safe? At home? Are you? I knew a girl once who was married to a Muslim man and they can be—.”

In a meeting with Salahudin’s first grade teacher, Misbah experiences racial stereotyping as the teacher blames Salahudin’s home life for his social difficulties at school. This serves as an example of misjudgment from others who do not know one’s story or situation. It also shows the difficulty of Misbah’s immigrant experience as both she and Salahudin experience discrimination.

“‘Please don’t speak Urdu or Punjabi with her,’ Riaz called over his shoulder, ignoring his niece entirely. ‘And No Pakistani food—I prefer American dishes and I want her to get used to them.’”

Misbah’s account of the first time Riaz brought Noor over to her house shows the control he attempted to wield over Noor, even in her childhood. It also shows Riaz’s desire to ignore his Pakistani roots. Riaz is an example of an immigrant who chose to forsake his homeland rather than embrace his native culture alongside American culture. 

“I am a ship in her sea, tossed in the storm of her mind, her ever-shifting body. Broken apart, drowned, resurrected, and destroyed a dozen times over in the space of a few minutes.”

Tahir uses beautiful, vivid imagery to capture Salahudin’s emotions upon seeing Noor and reading her body language during the trial. His responses to her indicate the depth of his care for her and his repentance for causing her pain.

“I don’t care what your excuses are, Noor. You’re illegal. A criminal. You should be shipped back to the shithole country you came from, to get married to a guy fifty years older than you or a goat or whatever the hell it is you people do.”

Jamie’s racist tirade reveals the irony of her character. She is smart, popular, and a valedictorian, all the hallmarks of an upstanding person; on the inside, however, she is cruel, insecure, and racist. Tahir shows that just as others often misjudge Noor based on appearances, they misjudge Jamie in the same way, seeing only what they want to see.

“My headphones are in. I downloaded as much of my old music as I could find. But there’s no song I want to hear. No playlist can fix this feeling that nothing good will ever happen to me again. The only music I have room for in my head is broken guitars and short-circuiting amps. A cello plunged into flames, a piano dropped from a skyscraper, drums with the skins ripped out.”

Music is usually Noor’s escape from reality and means of processing her emotions. However, she reaches a low point before the trial in which she lacks hope for her future, and music fails to help her. The description of the discordant sounds she hears in her mind emphasizes the low point she is experiencing.

“She had to make her peace with the loss, accept that it was part of her life, and find meaning in it. She had to learn that despite the loss, she would keep going.” 

This quote is an excerpt from Noor’s “One Art” poetry analysis essay. Noor is referring to Elizabeth Bishop’s life, yet her analysis is timely advice for Noor’s own life as she is reeling from the unfairness of the circumstances she’s been given. Tahir imparts the message that a person’s life is defined by how he or she responds to loss, not by the loss itself.